I live in Mexico. This is a thing which still feels surreal due in large part to the stability of my nervous system. It feels at times like walking around a dream. Living here is not all roses, and also my quality of life has taken a strong turn upward.
I’ve been semi-nomadic for the greater part of the past three years and spent over a year living in Quintana Roo. For part of that time I lived in a tent inside a commune and often found myself making smoothies wrapped in a thin piece of cloth, side-eyeing an Israeli tantra coach.
“You have a difficult time receiving” he told me one morning while I flitted off his attempts at charming and disarming me. “Yeah, from you” was on the tip of my tongue, I said something else, talking about how that was in fact true and how I did not need to take sessions with him, before moving into the sun to enjoy my freshly made smoothie.
His words however, have stayed with me. I do have a difficult time receiving. Receiving compliments, receiving favors, receiving gifts, and receiving sexually.
In my early twenties I was friends with a girl, now a woman, who had an established friend group. She and I were close, bestiessss, and yet I always felt on the outside when we all spent time together. Aside from my friend, they were all white and had been friends since high school. I was the newest and darkest one on the scene. My friend is Puerto Rican and we rocked the Black and brown thing quite nicely.
Years later one of the people in the friend group who I had always felt intimidated by, and who I felt didn’t truly like me, told me that it always frustrated her how I never realized how great I was.
A few months ago I performed at a poetry night here in the Yucatan Peninsula where I am currently living. It was an amazing set and I am extremely proud of my performance. Afterwards I was talking with a new acquaintance who complimented me, and as I started to dissemble, “just take the compliment” she said.
While I believe that I am a sensual being by design, I feel more comfortable topping partners, and giving sexual pleasure than receiving…there is absolutely a link between trust, safety, and control.
As a survivor of sexual violence, not only was I groomed to give sexual pleasure, it became a thing that I took great pride in. Being able to feel a sense of control in a situation which was introduced as a powerless act helped me to feel empowered and take my power back for my child self.
Receiving for child me, and for my wounds in the past has meant danger. People who I have been in relationship with, raised by and with, and have been in sexual relationship with (the overlap of some of these is also a disturbing part of the struggle) have utilized trust building, and trust breaking as means of control. Often times pulling the rug out from under my proverbial feet.
It’s a thing I am working on and also trusting others has a way of wreaking havoc on my nervous system.
When I am able to give, to provide, to put out, I don’t have to worry about what is coming in. I am able to control (lol) the illusion of control.
This is an ongoing years long understanding.
A necessary breakup, ongoing pandemic, healing intensive, and living in a new country have contributed to me being celibate for more years than I care to acknowledge. I often go through periods of celibacy…though I should say, collective celibacy because I masturbate several times a day, every day (almost).
This post has little direction. It is a beginning, a stepping again into the waters of my sexual healing. They are warmer than I remember.
I am an incredibly sensual and sexual person. I love to flirt and connect and experience and co-create reality shifting experiences and also I, at one point told my therapist I thought I might be A-sexual. Because trauma, fear and stagnation had clogged my shit up! My sacral was SCREAMING y'all.
I am excited to dive back in. I learned that one of my Orisas is a sex worker. That’s what my ancestry holds. Osun was a sex worker and she adopted and protected trans kids.
Let’s dig in. Let’s see what’s underneath the pain and the mess. I am excited to refocus AWAY from those who have harmed incarnations of me, and ONTO *my* spirit, healing, growth, depth, and the delicious, unctuous, wondrous things which live in the shadows. I look forward to exploring the places I am sometimes reluctant to go.
*NB: future writings on sexual healing will be behind a paywall. I feel a type of way about putting writing behind a paywall and also I protect myself and spirit and do what I need to do to create a space which feels safe. If that space is only for me, that’s fine! It’s how I got started years ago, writing a poetry blog to get my thoughts out of my head and body and onto a page…and people took notice. Maybe that will happen again, or maybe this will be my own personal exploration. Regardless, I am grateful for this space and the ability to speak whatever version of my truth which is ready to spill free.